10 must-haves for every marketing agency

Posted on by Adam

Having worked for, and with, a number of marketing agencies, it always fascinates me how they pour loads of cash into trying to create a unique and quirky identity through the design of their offices.

At the end of the day, it’s all about winning business, selling more services and securing long term partnerships that give the company credentials, so the more the agency delights the client, the more likely the client will be to stick with them.

However, instead of being unique, it’s almost as if the agency is given a list, ticking off every clicheed design feature along the way.

Here is that tick list.

1.  A meeting room with artificial turfastro-turf-meeting-room

I’m not sure why there is the necessity to create a room with flooring that feels like an astroturf football pitch, but it certainly seems a very popular way of trying to stand out from the crowd. Whether the idea is to promote an outdoors/indoors feel, or perhaps give bored employees somewhere to kick a football about for a few minutes, is unknown. All it really serves to do is make sure you REALLY hear everyone walking in and out of meetings, meaning the mute button on the phone when making a client conference call is a necessity.

2. The “at home” feel

We all want to work from home don’t we? No more arse-numbing commutes, sitting in traffic whilst we count the hours? Well, what could be the next best thing but to feel like we’re working from home in the office? Many agencies get this notion spectacularly wrong, trying to disguise the fact that you are effectively working as drone in a mind factory, whilst trying to blind you with soft furnishings and kitchenware which looks nothing like your home. Instead of your loved ones and all the nice things you own, the marketing agency tries to overload your senses, by blinding you with soft furnishings and wood furniture that wouldn’t look out of place in a country cottage.

Of course, the agency can never truly recreate that feeling of sitting around with toys and felt tip pens strewn all over the floor. The homely feel usually manifests itself in either a shabby chic eclectic mix of patterns and furniture, or a twee farmhouse style with Welsh dressers and plates hung up.

3. The office dogoffice-dog

If the amount of pet pictures on social media will attest, everyone loves a pet and if the head of the marketing agency is a dog lover, you’ll no doubt end up with the mutt wandering around the offices. Of course, this is great for all the people who absolutely fawn over animals, but it simply doesn’t work for everyone, especially those who may have a fear of dogs or those who are allergic. I always recall one agency in London where the office dog barked territorially at any new person who walked through the door. Cue “Oh don’t mind him. He won’t bite!” Not quite the welcome I’d envisaged!

4. Glass panels everywhere

Unless you’re a vampire (no corporate blood-sucking jokes please), everyone wants to work in a light, bright airy office. That’s a given. But sometimes, just sometimes, it is nice to have somewhere private to make that personal phone call or take a few moments to compose yourself. The glass panelled office comes into its own when someone is being given a disciplinary, usually denoted by said person being accompanied by the Head of HR, their line manager and another senior manager. Then it really does become a show trial!

5. Crazy coffee machinescoffee-machine

Where would agency staff be without their hourly caffeine intake? But it can’t just be any common-or-garden coffee. Oh no! Get the machine cranked up, hissing away and make something creative. Or else, prove to everyone what a badass you really are, by making and downing a shot of espresso, neat. You can almost hear this guy on the right saying “Hey guys! Look what I’ve got!! Now we can have a double shot skinny mocha latte anytime we like!”

6. Free food!

Normally an attempt to get people eating more healthily, many marketing agencies will supply something in the form of nutrition to their staff for free. Well, it does give them something to add to the old list of benefits! As the self-styled “most important meal of the day”, breakfast seems to be the one that all marketing agencies are keen on, with bread, spreads and cereals provided. And one agency I worked for even provided a free lunch on a certain day each week—the one condition being that you had to sit with your colleagues forcing small talk, no matter how much you disliked them.

7. Themed break out areas

OK. The “break out” area certainly isn’t exclusive to marketing, but the term always makes me think about escaping which is sometimes something you want to do when you’ve brainstormed a creative idea for the past 3 hours. But instead of sitting down around a common-or-garden office table, why not escape to the library of a country manor, or even a gym? With the themed break out area you can brainstorm ideas that are completely unconnected to where you are sat.

8. Tactile walls

One very large agency I worked with had walls made adorned with brightly coloured drinking straws. I mean, what the….?

9. Beanbags

These have become such a cliche it’s unreal, but nowadays having a selection of different chairs is the way forward. Again, one large agency I used to work with had a room full of chairs, none of which were alike. When asked the point of the different chairs, no one really had a definitive answer, other than “it aids creativity”.

table-football10. Table tennis and/or table football

Yes, if a marketing agency fails to grasp your aims and objectives sufficiently, you can always console yourself with the fact that its workers will be very good at one or both of these table-based games. In fact, it’s surprising that we don’t get more agency workers graduating to olympic standard ping pong, or taking up table football professionally.

If you’re an agency worker, I’m sure you’ll already have a number of these ticked off, but if you’re not, why not see how many you can spot the next time you visit a marketing agency?

 

Pick a Car Hull – Car buying hell

Posted on by Adam

Let me tell you a story. About a car. And a car dealer.

“Well, that’s not very interesting” I hear you mutter.

Just hear me out. It all started back in that magical spring of 2016. Whilst Brexit campaigning was in full swing, on the A164 my Vauxhall Vectra was coming to a grinding halt.

After getting picked up by a friendly AA patrolman and taken to a garage, I found that the gearbox had gone which led to the untimely death of that car – I ended up flogging it to the very same garage for the measly sum of £80.

April 2016

So, I needed a new car. After looking round some of the larger dealerships in Hessle, where we figured there would be a large selection, we decided to pop down to Witham in Hull, an eerie kind of ghost town filled with car dealerships of all sizes. We stumbled across Pick a Car, which had a number of decent sized cars on the forecourt, run by 2 brothers called Tony & Philip Beaumont.

I was shown a nice-looking Ford Mondeo Ghia Estate, test drove it and really liked it. After mulling it over, I phoned Pick a Car back the next day, tried to negotiate on the £4,995 price tag and failed. Although they promised to replace the cambelt and provide a full MoT.

The MoT actually forced the dealer into a couple of small jobs, so I was actually very confident when I parted with the cash that the car was in decent nick. “It’s got a full warranty. That’s engine and gearbox. If there are any problems just bring it back to us. We’ll sort it out and we can even provide you with a courtesy car.” Words that were echoing prophetically in my ear as I drove away.

So, I got the car home, proud as punch. Took the whole family for a drive. Then sat in the car as I got to grips with all the controls, including the stereo.

One of the neat features of this car was a 6 CD dash mounted changer. On long journeys we could simply load up the CD player for the kids and enjoy a whole variety of songs. A bit of a step down from Bluetooth I know, but still. The snag was, the CD player simply wouldn’t work. It appeared there were already 2 CDs loaded inside it, but something was causing an error.

The next day I rang the Dealer to tell him.

“Ok, just bring it in” said the Dealer, conveniently forgetting the fact I lived 30 miles away.

“The only problem I have is that I need the car for work, can you come and take a look instead?”

“Erm….ah….yes” (I should have realised the “erm” was the just the beginning of all the problems) “I’ll come down tomorrow and take a look”.

The day came. No sign of Phil or Tony. I called up the dealership, only to get a gruff response from one of their workers. He was out all day.

I finally got hold of him, with a brief apology and excuse that he’d been busy.

“If it’s a problem, why don’t I bring it down to you?” I enquired. “Ah, ok, next week isn’t great, but if you could bring it the week after that would help.”

May 2016

So I gave it a week and rang again. I asked whether I could bring it down on the Saturday as I was at work all week. “No, not at the weekend. I don’t want the car sitting down here all weekend. If something happens to it, it’s my responsibility” Again, prophetic words which would come back to haunt me.

Another week or two went by, with me trying to contact him and being rebuffed one way or another. After calling repeatedly and getting no answer, I eventually resorted to asking my wife to call from a different number, so they wouldn’t be able to screen my calls. So, we eventually got through and I was then told to take the car to a radio specialist right across the other side of Hull. Although I did say I wouldn’t be able to get there until around 4:30pm on a Friday. Would that be ok? “Yes” was the answer. Turns out this was not ok. Mad Friday traffic meant I was only able to get there at 4:45pm, to find they closed at 5pm. (Can you feel the tension rising in me as I type?)

June 2016

I returned to the radio specialist a week later, only to be told it was unrepairable and a new stereo plus installation would cost £400. As I was already in town, I decided to drive down to Pick a Car to speak face-to-face with Tony (by now, I’m pretty sure it was just Tony I was dealing with). Tony obviously didn’t want to have to splash any cash, so told me he would fit me a stereo himself. As I needed the car for the next two weekends, we finally settled on a date 3 weeks into the future, on which they would collect the car and fit a new stereo.

July 2016

The day came for Pick a Car to pick up my car, and the day went without them picking it up. “Sorry, I’m just busy on a breakdown with a customer” emails Tony. So, in the end, I thought enough was enough, and dropped the car down to Pick a Car myself, before getting a lift back to work with a colleague. This was on a Wednesday 6th July – a full 67 days after purchasing the car. I was now without a car for work, and relying on a combination of trains and lifts from colleagues.

After not hearing anything back on the Thursday, I rang on the Friday, only to be told by a colleague that it was definitely being worked on.

My wife and I decided to drive down to Pick a Car in Hull on the Saturday as I assumed (correctly, as it turned out) that the new stereo had been fitted. Before embarking on the 60 mile round trip, I called beforehand to double check.

“Yes, the stereo has been fitted” said Tony. “I couldn’t get the hands free kit to work properly, so had to take it to a garage to get that done. But they sorted it.”

“Great!” I said enthusiastically.

“But unfortunately, on the way back, someone drove into the back of the car.”

“I’m sorry? Someone drove into the back of it?” I answered, in shock.

“Yes. It’s been a terrible week and that just about topped it off. I couldn’t believe it!”

At this point, I didn’t really care about how badly Tony’s week had gone.

He continued “Yeah, so it was completely the other guy’s fault. He has admitted liability. It just needs a new bumper.”

My heart sank a little, but a new bumper didn’t sound too bad. At least he already had it in for repair and could sort it himself.

“OK. So what happens now?”

“I’ll need to call my insurance company and sort things out with them.”

OK. So, this was the situation. I was now at a massive inconvenience, but I simply had to take the philosophical view that accidents do happen.

From that point onwards, and for the next few weeks, it was a case of calling or emailing Tony and asking whether there was anything happening with my car. In the meantime, I was having to take the train to work and rely on lifts from others (Pick a Car’s original promise of a courtesy car had evaporated by this point).

“No news yet I’m afraid. The insurance company are taking ages.” was the usual stock reply. Eventually, I was given a hire car by the insurance company Easidrive (who were virtually as inept as the dealer), so at least that was something.

Another week went by with no news, so I decided to pop down to PickACar.co.uk in Hull and speak to Tony face to face. He was sat there with 2 colleagues, who reminded me of “Hear no evil, See no evil, Speak no evil”, as I tried to calmly and rationally explain why I was so stressed out and asked what would be happening next. There was also the added complication of a holiday coming up, with no car.

“Would you be able to provide me with a courtesy car, to take to the airport?” I asked (the insurance company wouldn’t allow me to have the car whilst I was out of the country).

“Ooh…well.” Tony scratched his head. “That would mean taking one of my cars off the forecourt and not being able to sell it, see?” It all sounded such a stress for him.

Eventually, he agreed that he would help sort me out, if things came to the worse, although I wasn’t holding out much hope given his previous track record.

By this point, the car had been taken to a body shop in Hull, where they would assess the damage. I spoke with the body shop, only to find out the “replacement bumper” had been upgraded to “I wouldn’t be surprised if the insurance company write this off.” I awaited the full inspector’s report.

August 2016

As expected, the car was duly written off by the insurance company in early August. There was an estimated £4,000 of damage – not far off the total price of the car.

I decided to take possession of the car and got a lift down the body shop to collect it. It was at this point that I was actually able to expect the damage for myself. As you can see from the picture, it was pretty extensive. Certainly not just a matter of replacing a bumper!

car-damage-1

I also managed to take a look at the “new” stereo that had been installed in the car. Disappointed is a word that would spring to mind. Whilst it functioned, the stereo was obviously pretty old with worn buttons, plus the hands free kit had been left hanging out – so obviously no great care and attention had been paid.

I then went on holiday, all the while worrying about how much I was going to get for the car and whether they would match the sum I had paid.

Out of the blue, a cheque was sent to my home address from Hastings Direct, the 3rd party insurer, for £3,700. I was a little shocked, as I hadn’t agreed to this sum, nor did I feel it was fair. So I phoned the car insurance company who seemed a little surprised themselves. A case of the blind leading the blind.

Getting nowhere fast and receiving nothing in the way of communication from any party, I was then inexplicably handed onto a solicitors called Garvins, based in Manchester. They now appeared to be handling my claim, but why or how, this was never explained.

So I told the handler that I was very unhappy with the £3,730 valuation. He explained I could cash that without prejudice and I would also receive £710 for scrappage. That still left me £555 out of pocket though. I cashed the cheque as directed, but certainly was not happy with the amount I had been paid.

I was asked to send evidence of the car being on sale at the price I paid, which I duly did. All the while, the car sat rusting on my driveway as I was still none the wiser as to when it would be taken away.

September 2016

As the leaves started to fall, so did my expectations. Finally, after a seriously snotty email and some angry telephone exchanges, the solicitors came back to me around the middle of September to explain that the 3rd party insurance company, Hastings Direct had viewed my evidence and decided their valuation of the car was fair. The only option open to me, was to hunt around car dealerships and compile evidence of similar cars at similar values, which was not going to be realistic.

So, fobbed off by insurance companies, solicitors and even the terrible car salvage company ALS, who were due to collect my car for scrap (but didn’t bother telling me they weren’t coming on the day they said they would), I felt the fair and just thing for Pick a Car to do, would be to refund me the £555 I was left out of pocket. So I emailed them, asking just that:

pick-email-1

The car was finally loaded onto a flatbed and driven away in late September.

October 2016

After weeks of chasing my friends at Pick a Car regarding my email, a letter came via recorded delivery. I opened it, expecting a cheque to drop out, but no. Instead, there was a letter explaining in great detail why they wouldn’t be refunding me any money.

Here’s a copy of it:

pick-letter-1a

pick-letter-1b

A simple apology I could have handled, but the fact that Tony was now changing his story to cover his tracks really angered me. Apparently the story now changed, and the car was parked outside their premises at the time of the accident, despite the fact I had been told it was turning right at the time of the accident (I later checked the accident report, and it had indeed been parked but some distance away in another street, so why had Tony been telling me a different story?).

Now, I was accused of loading 2 “pirate CDs” into the car which broke the stereo (despite the fact that Tony had confessed to me he had never checked the CD player when he sold the car, and the fact that a “pirate” CD would not cause the CD player to malfunction in this way anyway!).

And lastly, apparently the stereo wasn’t covered by the warranty (which begs the question, what does the warranty actually cover, if anything?). Again, this was completely irrelevant as the car was not sold “as described” according to the Consumer Rights Act 2015.

At this point, I sought legal advice, as I was plainly getting nowhere with Pick a Car. The law appeared to back up my claims in this case. Under the Consumer Rights Act 2015, there was a reasonable expectation that the stereo should have worked and Tony should have attempted to fix the issue asap. He didn’t.

The car was in his care at the time of the accident, and under the tort of negligence he was negligent with my property, putting it in a position where it was at risk from damage, leaving it parked on a busy road, instead of secured on his premises.

I sent all this in a letter to Pick a Car, by recorded delivery, on 26th October 2016:

Dear Tony,

Thank you for your letter which I received on 15th October, although I must say, I am extremely disappointed by your response.

Since receiving your letter, I have sought further legal advice on this matter and I still maintain that you owe me the outstanding £555.

Under the Consumer Rights Act 2015, there is a reasonable expectation that the car you supplied me with should have had a full working stereo with 6 CD changer, as advertised (I have copies of the advert). I contacted you as soon as I spotted the fault (within 48 hours of purchasing the car – phone records prove this) and gave you ample opportunity to fix it, although this ended up taking over 2 months before you even looked at it. The fault was not caused by me, and it is disappointing you are now choosing to change your version of events, after you admitted to me in person that you had not even checked the CD player. The replacement was not like-for-like (it was a single CD player and was worn compared to my previous stereo).

When I handed over my car to you to fix the fault, you had a duty of care over my property, but under the tort of negligence, I maintain that you drove it away from your premises, left it on a public highway, at least 200 metres away from your premises (the accident report states it was parked on Holderness Road, not Witham), where it was placed at risk and another vehicle struck it. I am also disappointed that in your letter you state that you called me to tell me this, when, in fact, I only found out the day after when I called you to enquire about the stereo (again, phone records prove this).

Many of the points you made in your previous letter are insignificant to this matter, including whether or not the CD player was covered on the warranty, how many miles I may or may not have added to the car as I waited for you to fix the fault, the car being left at my own risk, whether or not I asked for a courtesy car or asking your advice on whether I should write the car off.

As a consequence of your actions, I am £555 out of pocket through no fault of my own. I am therefore seeking consequential losses from you, not seeking to put myself in a position of betterment, which I think is more than fair.

I expect the £555 to be transferred to my account (details below) or sent by cheque, payable to me, by Friday 11th November 2016, which I feel is a reasonable time period in which to do this.

If this does not take place by the above date, I will assume you are still unwilling to pay and will have no hesitation in taking further action.

Yours sincerely,

Adam Chard

In the meantime, I had added negative reviews to a series of websites which promoted their business, including AutoTrader, Yell, Facebook and Google+.

November 2016

I received a reply on 4th November 2016. Finally! We appeared to have come to a compromise:

pick-letter-2

As you can see, he seemed to be more concerned about the negative reviews and didn’t like my use of the term “cowboys” – definition: a dishonest or careless person in business, and even tried to counter-threaten me with court over my use of the term!

Despite offering me the measly sum of £250, less than half the £555 I had been left out of pocket, to me this was an admission of guilt. So I was happy to accept the offer, draw a line under the whole sorry affair and move on. I was more than willing to remove the negative reviews just for the sake of closure.

I sent Pick a Car the following letter on 8th November 2016 via recorded delivery:

Dear Tony,

Thank you for your letter which I received on Friday 4th November.

I accept your offer of £250. Whilst this still leaves me out of pocket, it will go some way to recouping the losses I have suffered.

As soon as the money clears in my bank account, I will remove all online reviews I have written, drawing a line under this matter.

Cash can be transferred straight to my bank account (details below) or a cheque can be sent to the above address payable to “Adam Chard”, whichever method you prefer.

Yours sincerely,

Adam Chard

For the first time in months, I felt the stress of the whole situation lift from my shoulders and eagerly awaited the cheque through the post, whilst checking my bank account, in case he’d simply decided to transfer it.

I waited…and I waited.

By the 21st November 2016, there was still no sign of the cash, so I sent another letter via recorded delivery:

Dear Tony,

This is a follow up to the letter you received from me and signed for on Wednesday 9th November.

As stated in the aforementioned letter, I accepted your offer of £250, although I am disappointed that over 10 days have elapsed and this still hasn’t been paid to me. I believe Friday 25th November is a reasonable time frame by which to have completed payment.

Cash can be transferred straight to my bank account (details below) or a cheque can be sent payable to “Adam Chard”, whichever method you prefer.

As soon as the money clears in my bank account, I will remove all online reviews I have written, drawing a line under this matter.

Yours sincerely,

Adam Chard

Another week went by, still no response. I even checked to make sure they had been signing for the letters I sent. They had.

December 2016

I tried again with another recorded delivery letter on 2nd December 2016:

Dear Tony,

Since writing to you on 8th November, where I accepted your offer of £250, I have heard nothing further from you, nor have I received the cash you promised, despite having sent a further letter which you received and signed for on Wednesday 23rd November.

Please pay me the £250 by Friday 9th December 2016 or I will be left with no alternative but to begin legal proceedings against you through the small claims court. This will be for the full amount of £555 and, potentially, damages.

Cash can be transferred straight to my bank account (details below) or a cheque can be sent payable to “Adam Chard”, whichever method you prefer.

As soon as the money clears in my bank account, I will remove all online reviews I have written. I’m sure you, like me, would like to draw a line firmly under this matter.

Yours sincerely,

Adam Chard

This time, when I checked whether the letter had been delivered via the Royal Mail website, the status was: “Would not accept delivery”.

After offering me £250 and accepting my offer, they were now seemingly refusing to pay me the amount they promised and refusing to accept any letters I sent! So, this was the situation I found myself in, in the run up to Christmas, £555 down on what I would have paid towards the family Christmas that year, with goodwill to all men (apart from those at Pick a Car in Hull).

After exhausting all these avenues, I decided to try the Consumer Ombudsman – an organisation which attempts to help settle disputes between retailers and consumers.

January 2017

By January 10th, I had still not heard anything back from the Consumer Ombudsman, but I noticed the owners of Pick a Car had started replying to some of my online reviews, peddling the same story they had given me in their original letter, trying to absolve themselves of all blame and somehow trying to publicly demonstrate that they care about their customers, when, clearly, they don’t.

The Consumer Ombudsman finally came back to me on 11th January to tell me that Pick a Car would not work with them to resolve this dispute.

So what now?

I have endured 7 long stressful months, which has included extra expense in the cost of commuting to work, not to mention the hours on the phone chasing useless insurance companies (Easidrive) and solicitors (Garvins), not to mention the actions of Hastings Direct, who refuse to pay the value I paid for the car, and last, but not least, the disgraceful actions of the owners of Pick a Car in Hull, who refuse to believe they played any part in this whole sorry saga, and continually broke their promises, acting in a thoroughly unprofessional manner. Well lads, if you’d have done your job in the first place and fixed my stereo when asked, none of this would ever have happened!

Do you think 67 days is an acceptable length of time in which to fix an issue with a car you’d sold? If you were negligent with someone’s property resulting in an accident, wouldn’t you make sure that person wasn’t left out of pocket?

Thankfully, I have learnt my lessons and bought my new car from a reputable dealership. I certainly made sure everything worked before driving off this time! I hope Pick a Car have learnt some lessons too, trying to fob off a customer who actually knows a thing or two about the internet!

My advice if you’re looking for a used car in Hull: Don’t pick Pick a Car.

Egg-citing adventures at Cadbury World

Posted on by Adam

As luck would have it, my cousin Ollie had decided to get married on Easter weekend. Even luckier for us, was the fact that we wouldn’t have to travel quite as far as the regular 6 hour jaunts down to Bristol, which is the standard journey for most family occasions.

We were off to Birmingham, or Sutton Coldfield, to be more precise, which left us the Sunday to come up with a suitable family outing.

Birmingham at Easter…hmmmm…  There was only one natural choice… Cadbury World.

The Bourneville identity

As you may or may not know, I spent 3 years of my formative years in Birmingham, studying at Aston University. Cadbury World actually first opened whilst I was living there, and I was due to visit the day after my 22nd birthday, however as I was suffering such a horrendous hangover, I decided upon the dark, soothing environment of the SeaLife Centre instead.

And so, 16 years later, with our 2 kids in tow, we headed off down the A38 to Bourneville.

Cadbury World is very well signposted from the main Bristol Road, but we decided to take a small detour beforehand around Bourneville village. Bourneville, was a planned community for the Cadbury workers. As it was founded by Quakers, it was, and still is to this day, a “dry” village, with no pubs. For the Quakers, alcohol was very much frowned upon, with more wholesome, non-alcoholic drinks being promoted. Which leads us neatly onto chocolate…

Cad 3

There certainly are some weird, wonderful and very purple things to see at Cadbury World

The Eggs-perience

The main parking area was packed, so we ended up in the overflow car park, which turned out to be very handy as it was right next to playground, which the kids dived straight into.

As we were a little early, we had a quick drink – our eldest naturally chose hot chocolate – before wandering round the shop. We then joined the queue as our timeslot was just 10 minutes away. Thankfully C reminded me of this, as I still hadn’t wound my watch an hour forward.

Upon entry, we were given a Dairy Milk, Curly Wurly and a Crunchie each (although, I don’t know anyone who genuinely looks forward to a Crunchie – they are always the last to get eaten out of the selection pack). We were a little disappointed that everyone else ahead of us was given a nice, cloth bag with the Cadbury logo on it, but apparently we weren’t allowed one when we asked, for reasons that were unclear.

At the start of the experience, you wander through a mock up of the rainforests of Central America, to demonstrate where cocoa beans originally come from, followed by its discovery by Spanish explorers.

You then move onto a Georgian/Victorian (not sure which) London street set, with cleverly designed video/set displays showing how it gained popularity in the UK as an alternative beverage to alcohol (see, told you there was a connection!).

This was followed by speeches by 2 live actors, playing people involved with the chocolate industry, before the dismembered head of John Cadbury, the original Quaker founder of Cadbury, starts talking to you from a wall.

The next part involves sitting to watch films of actors portraying John Cadbury and his overly-enthusiastic sons explaining how Cadbury grew to become what it is today. You then move onto another auditorium style show, where you are shown the chocolate making process. However, it’s that dull, they have to shake the seats and blow air at you, just to keep you interested.

From this point, you could go and watch the actual packaging being done, but as it was Easter Sunday, there really wasn’t a lot going on. The highlight being some graffiti written on one of the pallets that had been positioned in clear view of the public, stating something like “We might not be here next week!” – a comment on the owners, or an ” end of the world is nigh!” prophesy?

 

cad 2

A “chew-chew” train. Get it?

It’s a small, small ride

Moving on from there, we joined a 25 minute queue to go on a ride. When I say ride, don’t expect anything like a rollercoaster. Think more “It’s a small world” from Disney, but replace the singing children with singing cocoa beans, and make it half as impressive, and you get the picture. The kids loved it though!

The next section was arguably my favourite, because I finally got to sample the wares. You are invited to take a pot of warm, gooey, liquid chocolate with your choice of toppings added to it, before moving onto see some demonstrations of chocolate being made.

You then walk through a weird and wonderful area full of sensory illusions, before embarking upon a real nostalgiathon – a series of window fronts and displays, all showing classic Cadbury TV ads, with plenty harking back to my childhood (remember “Everyone’s a fruit and nut case”?).

A door that opened back out into the gift shop signalled the end of the experience. As you can imagine, we stocked up on cuddly toys, fridge magnets and plenty of chocolate!

With the main tour done and dusted, there are 2 other attractions you can experience. The first being the 4D chocolate adventure and the final one being the Bourneville Experience. After joining a seemingly non-moving queue for the 4D adventure, I eventually gave up. The kids were having a whale of a time on the playground, and we had a long trip ahead of us, so we made our way out.

My verdict

At £16.75 for adults and £12 for our eldest (under 4s go free), it was a decent day out, with plenty of things to see and do. But had I travelled all the way from Yorkshire, simply to visit this attraction, I may have been sorely disappointed. Cadbury are obviously trading off the fame of their name, whilst creatively using the limited space they have – after all, unlike Frys in Keynsham which is now sadly consigned to history, this is still a working factory. Disney or Alton Towers, it was not. But, not to be negative, we had a great day out, which topped off a quite fantastic weekend.

 

Making your own homemade Biltong

Posted on by Adam

Friends and long term followers of my blog will know I’m a man who loves his meat (now, now!).

Since my days living in Austria, where I was treated to a whole new world of smoked and cured meats, little in the UK has come close. Indeed, it was whilst living in Austria that I first encountered Biltong, after meeting a group of South African rugby supporters in my local Irish pub.

What is biltong?

Biltong, for those unfamiliar with South African cuisine, is a form of dried meat popular as a snack. The Afrikaans word roughly translates as “rump strip” and is a fairly accurate description, Whilst “rump” conjures up images of steak, biltong doesn’t necessarily have to be made using beef. Other cuts of meat can be used such as pork or lamb or even something a bit more exotic such as ostrich or kangaroo.

Instead of being fried, roasted or baked, the meat is marinated in a mixture of vinegar, herbs and seasoning, and simply left to dry for a period, before consuming.

Biltong suppliers

During my time in South West London, with its South African diaspora, I was easily able to find a regular source of biltong to satisfy my cravings, from South African shops to street markets. But after moving to Yorkshire, I fully expected my biltong days to come to an end. How wrong I was!

Much to my delight I found that my own small town had its very own, very small population of ex-pat Saffers and and a biltong business to boot! The wonderfully-named Barefoot Biltong has allowed me to keep my shelves stocked with various forms of tasty biltong and droewoers (dried sausage), satisfying my meat hunger pangs.

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Braai salt and biltong mix from Barefoot Biltong

One slight downside with sourcing biltong is the cost. Naturally, good quality cuts of beef don’t come cheap, making it a more expensive snack than, say, peanuts, which cost, er, peanuts by comparison. This got me thinking: could I make my own?

Making your own biltong

Biltong is actually rather simple to make. You need to start with a good cut of beef – steak is ideal – and cut it into strips about 2cm thick and around 20cm long, making sure you cut away any fat or gristle, that would make the finished article hard to chew.

Get a shallow dish and sprinkle a liberal coating of vinegar. I use Cider Vinegar (as you might expect) but you can experiment with different types.

Next you need to add your herbs and seasoning. One recipe I came across suggested ground coriander, paprika, salt and pepper. But of course, you can simply experiment and add in extra chilli for some additional kick. Barefoot Biltong actually sell their own seasoning mix, taking the guesswork out of the equation.

Add this in with the vinegar and this will form your basting mixture.

Drop your meat into the mixture and get your hands mucky rubbing the seasoning in. Allow the meat to rest in the mixture, cover and put in the fridge overnight. This will allow the basting mixture to infuse with the meat.

Biltong 1

The meat marinating away

 

Whilst the preparation only takes 24 hours, the next part of the process will take a wee bit longer.

Drying your biltong

The professional biltong makers have specialist drying cabinets. These are generally large glass-sided affairs, containing a light (which provides a very low heat) and a fan (that gently dries the meat). Plenty of hanging space is provided for the long strips of beef that are dried.

You can actually invest in your own custom-made biltong drier, but if like me, this is simply something you wish to try out or do infrequently, there are other methods you can use.

My own method, which appears to have worked, has been to use my fan oven for drying.

I pierce the top of each strip with a wooden skewer which provides me with a hanger, although meat hooks or even pegs could be used for this purpose, and carefully drop the meat strips between the wire racks in my oven (I also stick some tin foil in the bottom to catch any drips).

Biltong 2

They may not look that tasty, but give it 10 days and a bit of dry air and these strips will beat those meat pangs

I switch on the light and the fan, but, very importantly, don’t add any heat. A tea towel wedged in the oven door allows air to escape.

It’s a good idea to keep this process going as long as possible, but in a busy household that requires an oven but could do without it being used 24 hours per day, I tend to restrict this process to around 6 hours maximum.

The next step isn’t ideal, but I have found it still yields decent results. I transfer the skewered meat to the inside of an old multipack beer box where it can hang freely. This doesn’t provide a great environment for drying, but does ensure that your meat is fully covered and won’t be attacked by flies or insects.

Depending on your preference for “wet” or “dry” biltong, the whole drying process can take anywhere between 24 hours to around 10 days.

Once ready, simply cut into chewable chunks, transfer to a paper bag and enjoy! The perfect snack for the Six Nations, Euro 2016 or any other televised sporting event.

 

The Christmas Letter 2015

Posted on by Adam

Dear Folks

Our second full year in our house and, whilst it’s felt like a real home since day one, we are now finally beginning to stamp our mark on the place. Out are going some of the features that were in the house when we moved in, and in come our own personal touches.

In February, we took on the bathroom. It wasn’t without its ups and downs, as water dripped through the ceiling on a couple of occasions, but the result has been a full room that we designed ourselves – just how we want it.

C has been getting the paintbrushes out with gusto, giving both the kitchen and the playroom a fresh new look, and starting on a feature wall in our hallway. Whilst my feats don’t quite match hers, I did have one major DIY win, when I managed to put up my first set of shelves. They’re a little on the wonky side, but the main thing is they work!

We also finally gave our youngest the room she deserves, although, logistically, this was too prove troublesome. The bulkhead of the staircase actually protrudes into her room, taking a wedge-shaped chunk out of it. So we had to hire a joiner to create a bedframe, with drawers, a bookshelf and a cupboard. The end result was great. C and I finished it off with some nice, cheerful wall paper and paint, and my mother-in-law made the curtains.

Flowery Room

Our youngest managed to add a few touches of her own…although, they weren’t quite what we had in mind. I came downstairs to find her playing behind the footrest in the living room. Little did I know that she was actually playing with a small tester pot of emulsion, which she had managed to get all over herself, the carpet, the chair and the blinds!

Our eldest is becoming quite the accomplished sportsman. When he’s not playing football, he is also showing signs that he may be quite a decent hockey player and has also had a couple of great games in goal. Although, I’m not sure C could cope with two goalkeepers in the family!

Much to C’s annoyance, our eldest has suddenly changed his football allegiance too. After being lucky enough to see Arsenal win the FA Cup Final at Wembley, he has now swapped one red team for another, to become a Man Utd supporter. Meaning new kits and new favourite players (although he can claim to be a quarter Mancunian, so I can forgive him a little!).

Whilst C and I continue to play hockey (in our respective 2nd XIs), C has really progressed with her running, which culminated in the Great North Run. She now has her sights firmly set on the Manchester marathon next year. Sadly,  my running ambitions have been a little thwarted by a couple of calf tears which put me out of action for a bit. But I hope to get back into action properly in the new year.

During the summer, we finally made good use of our seaside location, by hiring a beach chalet. The kids were in their absolute element and we were lucky enough to enjoy some excellent weather – it was even warm enough to swim in the sea.

Bridlington Chalet

In late August, we had a lovely holiday in the Cotswolds, despite the weather being less than favourable, coupled with a fantastic stay at Legoland in Windsor. We also spent a weekend on a sheep hunt, following the Shaun the Sheep trail in Bristol.

It was also a highly memorable year following Bristol City. With a first ever league title in our sights, I took our eldest to see his first ever match, an FA Cup away at Doncaster, closely followed by an away trip to Preston (where he seemed to spend most of the game with his hands over his ears). We also had the added bonus of a trip to Wembley to see City win the Johnstones Paint Trophy.

Promotion was finally achieved on a glorious balmy summer evening in Bradford, where City won 6-0 to add the icing to a glorious season. But with every up, there must come a down, and as I type, City are threatening to come straight back down to League 1 with a bump.

City Promotion Bradford

So, we find ourselves in December. The tree is up, the fire-effect fireplace is emitting a welcoming fire-effect glow and I have a beer in hand.

So here’s to a very merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous 2016 for you all!

The Chards

 

New look. Same old blog

Posted on by Adam

After years and years of suffering horrendous formatting issues and a none-too-pleasing-on-the-eye style with Blogger.com, I have finally moved my whole blog over to WordPress. I hope you find this a bit easier to read and navigate.

As before, my blog contains the usual mix of Yorkshire tales, random thoughts and things I felt I needed to write down, but now I’ve combined all my hockey reports, reviews and ramblings into the same format. Sport and thought, all in the one place – what could be better than that?!

With my new blog in place, I aim to start picking up the pace again, writing for fun and maybe even providing a little entertainment along the way.

A day in Robin Hood’s Bay

Posted on by Adam

This weekend, C & I worked out that we’d been together for around 5 years. This means I moved up to Yorkshire around 4 and a half years ago.

Whilst we’ve explored most places within an hour’s drive of our home, one place we had failed to visit was Robin Hood’s Bay. So, with my parents in tow, we decided to take a trip up to coast and check it out.

The place is easy enough to find as it’s just 6 miles south of Whitby on the coast road. Once you turn off the main road you are faced with a series of very steep hills – enough to make you test the brakes once or twice.

There is a well signposted car park as you enter the village and cost £2 for 2 hours.

From the car park, everything goes rapidly downhill – in a literal sense of course! There are a few pubs and guesthouse along the main road into the village, which starts to get steeper and steeper, until finally you reach a very steep section overlooking the sea.

There are quaint little craft shops and cafes along here, until you finally reach the bottom of the hill where you can either turn left up a tiny path or follow the road over a bridge.

We took the path and came across a small pie shop. Now, for those that know me, I’m a sucker for all things encrusted with pastry, so this is where we stopped. We were the only customers and I selected the “Pot Black” which was a pork pie to all intents, but instead of the usual filling, it contained a slab of black pudding surrounded with sausage. Definitely my sort of thing!

We followed this pathway which at one point threatened to lead to a dead end, but, after manoeuvring our way round a wedding party, we finally found our way to the top of yet another hill.

There was another pub on this road, which appeared to be in the CAMRA Good Beer Guide, and it led down to the slipway and beach. Again, there were a couple of cafes and a lifeboat station here.

We ventured down and down again onto the beach. Only then do you truly discover the description of the village is very accurate – it truly is a bay, with cliffs at either end (but not a cove, as my Dad – a former Geology Teacher – would go on to describe in great length).

That was really the extent to the village, and we made our way back up via the road. Our youngest was fascinated by all the dinosaur models in the gift shop and we also stopped at a chocolate and sweet shop for some well-earned treats.

I’m not going to lie. The climb back up was absolutely gruelling. The pavement was stepped, but as I was pushing the buggy, it was a calf-burning couple of minutes getting from bottom to top! Thankfully, mid-way up, my Dad was on hand to take over!

Hockey nightmares

Posted on by Adam

Getting back into hockey the other day got me reminiscing about the highs and lows I’ve experienced in my time, and I started thinking about some of the absolute stinkers I had over the years.

As a goalkeeper you’ll know these games all too well, where it seems that every shot or deflection finds a gap or sneaks in somehow. Strikers suddenly hit form and bang in worldy after worldy past you just for fun and, invariably, the opposition number 1 is having a stormer, making save after spectacular save, much to the adulation of his team.

A debut to forget

The worst match I can remember playing in was for my old club NPL in Teddington. Our first team keeper (who also happens to be a good friend of mine) had sustained a long term knee injury, so as 2nd team keeper, it naturally followed that I would be called up to the 1sts to replace him.

Playing for the 2nds was a pretty laid back affair. That’s not to say we didn’t have quality players, because we did. It was just a lot of fun, no one took it too seriously, and we’d all be guaranteed to be back in the pub on a Saturday evening.

Upon joining the 1sts, it suddenly became apparent that this was a lot more serious. I’d even been invited along to a pre-season meeting where the coach had talked tactics and shown us some video from a top level club match.

In my debut for the 1sts, we would be playing Merton at home. A team full of skilful, pacey South Africans.

Things didn’t start well and we were 1 down within the first 10 minutes. My defence were playing a very high line – something I wasn’t used to – and a quick ball into our half left me horribly exposed. The striker beat me to the ball in what should’ve been a 50:50 and took it past me to tap into the open goal.

We equalised, but soon enough I conceded again. This time I was a little unlucky as I saved the first shot, only for the rebound to fall kindly to the striker who made no mistake. I could feel my confidence ebbing away as one of the oppos strikers tapped my on the back of the helmet in an unlucky mate kind of way.

We went onto equalise again, but after yet another attack they got their 3rd which just happened to go straight through my legs. There were some disgruntled comments from my defence.

Looking back on it, as a team we capitulated easily, but the fact this was my debut and I was eager to impress meant I was taking all the responsibility heavily on my shoulders and by now my self confidence was completely shot away.

As the second half went on, it didn’t really matter anymore. All of their attacks would end in goals. 3 turned into a miserable 4, followed by a depressing 5th and, the final nail in the coffin, a 6th. We ended up losing 2-6.

I don’t recall anyone speaking to me after the match and, to be honest, I certainly didn’t feel like chatting. However I was determined to put things right.

A chance for redemption?

As it turned out, I didn’t get that chance. The following week, I was told by the 2nd team captain that I’d be playing for them again. The 3rd team keeper had been selected for the 1st XI instead of me.

Part of me was mightily relieved, but part of me was pretty angry. The 1st team captain was obviously not prepared to let me prove that this was simply a bad day at the office. I tossed up whether to argue my case, but in the end I decided against it, as I much preferred playing in the 2nd XI.

In the end, the 1st XI decided even our 3rd XI keeper wasn’t to their tastes and employed the services of our 4th XI keeper for the remainder of the season!

Later in the season, I was called upon once more to play for the 1sts and equipped myself much better, until again, I was exposed with the defence playing a high line. I was forced into sliding out of my circle to sweep the ball away with my stick, but mistimed the sweep and ended up simply trapping the ball on the ground beneath my right hand gauntlet. The umpire (wrongly) gave a penalty flick, which I actually saved and the match ended 2-2, but I could still see the 1st team captain rolling his eyes at me as if to say “what were you doing??”.

As it transpired, this experience made me a lot more determined. I was much happier playing in the 2nds and even won “man of the season”, so I can’t have been that bad!

The Tour de Yorkshire comes to town

Posted on by Adam

When it was announced the Grand Depart (the first stages) of the Tour de France would be held in Yorkshire in 2014, there was a huge buzz that our little part of East Yorkshire would be included in the itinerary.

When the route was finally revealed, we were all very disappointed to find that not only was the nearest point over 30 miles away, but the whole of East Yorkshire had been bypassed.

Despite this, it was a proud moment for the county and the whole of the East Riding got in the mood and the three days in which the world’s top cyclists wound their way through the beautiful countryside was a sight to behold. Tourists and locals alike flocked to see the race and it was a huge success.

To ride off the back of this, it was announced that a Tour de Yorkshire race would be held in 2015 and to our delight, the East Riding would form an integral part of the route. We were even more delighted to find out that race would start within a mile of our home, just outside of Bridlington.

With about a month to go, businesses, homes and guest houses throughout the area started to put up yellow and blue bunting (the colours of the event) and yellow and blue bicycles started appearing at random locations throughout the town and even in the country.

I took the day off to watch the start of the race, and it was a typically on/off kind of day when it came to the weather. With about an hour to go, we wandered round to the official starting point. Crowds were already lining the streets near our house and there was a great buzz of anticipation, with people set up with cameras.

We decided to go view the race from just outside our local farm shop. There was a small, raised grass bank and we could also nip in and get a much-needed cup of tea.

With just minutes to go until the riders were due to pass by, we found that our youngest had managed to spill her juice and was now sat in a wet pair of leggings. So C did a very quick side-of-the-road change and wrapped her in a cagoule, very generously donated by one of her friends.

Suddenly a whole fleet of police outriders came by in a swoosh, throttles open, clearly enjoying themselves! Then a few cars, before we finally spotted the cyclists coming round the corner.

I started clicking away with my camera (although modern digital cameras don’t make a “click” anymore) as the massed rank of cyclists whizzed by in a blur, closely followed by a whole range of team cars with spare bikes strapped to the roof.

As quickly as they had arrived, then they were gone again. The roads returned to normal and the crowds started drifting away. Literally an hour’s build up, for just 30 seconds of excitement!

But it had been a good day. The local community had come out in force, people were enjoying themselves and it felt that we had witnessed a bit of history. Plus, the sun suddenly decided to make a rare appearance!